First off, let me say that
No, I have not read 50 Shades of Grey. So am I perhaps slightly unqualified to write about it? Most likely. But I've been following the hubbub about this story and its release as a movie tonight which is expected to sell record numbers of tickets, much to the chagrin of feminists, the morally inclined, and abuse survivors.
Aside from the casual and mainstream acceptance of the kinky, erotic, and pornographic nature of the book/movie, the thing that most concerns me is the lack of understanding about emotionally unhealthy behaviors portrayed. Now, the pornographic storyline is a huge issue and very concerning to me, particularly since it is roping in so many women as it's primary audience. I'm not sure when it became romantic to be considered an object, but I digress. All in all, if that was the extent of it, I'm sure there would be less concern and outrage over the story, but
50 Shades represents something much more insidious.
Christian Grey is emotionally, psychologically, and physically abusive. And not just because of his interest in that bizarre BDSM stuff (which may or
may not be consensual...that's a debate I'll leave alone). The frightening thing to me is that so many hallmarks of abuse are portrayed as romantic tokens of passion/affection/or (heaven forbid!) love. And our society is getting so conditioned to accepting this that we are no longer able to distinguish them as such.
Check out this site written by a therapist:
http://50shadesofabuse.wordpress.com/warning-signs/
She also has a chapter by chapter breakdown of specific instances of abuse and unhealthy behavior, which I couldn't actually stomach reading.
It's not just
50 Shades that does this either. If you watch for it, you will see examples of possessiveness, jealously, mood swings, inappropriate gifts, obsessiveness, stalking etc. portrayed as romantic expressions of passion in media everywhere. Instead of being creepy or dysfunctional, we start to view these things as being protective, interested, or attentive.
When
Twilight took the teenage world by storm, these ideas about what constitutes a passionately romantic relationship enraptured a young and impressionable female audience. You can see examples everywhere of how unhealthy the relationship is, and yet it was viewed as a fabulous love story by those too naive to know better.
I did read
Twilight, and I enjoyed the series in an easy reading, no thinking, junk food binge type of way. I wasn't a teenager anymore, and I was married and yet it wasn't until later that I noticed the abusive tenor to it. I wonder if even the author realized that the behaviors she was writing about were abusive, or if it's something so insidious that it can be promoted unintentionally.
PS Here's one of many deconstructions on abusiveness in
Twilight in case you're not sure what I'm talking about:
http://www.anamardoll.com/2013/06/twilight-abuse-and-attention.html
Although this deconstruction only looks at a short segment of the book, I can recall instances where Bella detaches from her friends and family and loses her identity in Edward, where one or the other would rather commit suicide than live without the other, and times where he stalks her, gives her inappropriate gifts, or tricks/forces her to do things she doesn't want to do (like attend Prom, among other rites of passage that she has no interest in, but he insists she take part in). He also treats her like she is incapable of survival without him.
It's not just her relationship with Edward that is messed up either. She has a very enmeshed relationship with her mother where she used to take care of the bulk of her mother's emotional and physical needs before moving away. That's not healthy. In fact, I'm not entirely sure that Bella has a single healthy relationship in the entire book.
Anyway, I don't know that it's the fact that the books exist that is the problem. The problem seems to be that when people read them, I'm not sure that they stop and think, "That was unhealthy, not romantic." For all the attention that sex-ed gets in our educational/political system, I think it's strange that we don't take the time to educate our children on what constitutes unhealthy relationship behaviors.
I've been in emotionally abusive relationships with and without the sexual abuse included. I can tell you that as bad as the sexual abuse is, the emotional abuse can be more insidious because often the victim cannot identify it at the time, and possibly not until years later. I've also realized in retrospect that some of my behaviors in relationships have been manipulative and abusive in ways as well. Had I been taught to recognize these things specifically, perhaps I might have avoided inflicting and accepting some of these abuses.
I fully intend to teach my children about relationship red-flags and abusive behaviors in a hope that when they see them, they will know them for what they are, rather than mistaking them for romantically passionate attention.
